Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Home alone

My husband left this morning on a business trip (allegedly) that will take him to Chicago, where our 22 year old son has been living since August (the REAL point of the trip!). Stephen is our oldest son, and just a wonderful human as well as a great kid; and no, I'm not prejudiced! I miss him a ton but am happy that he's finding his way nicely so far. He's also pretty funny kid. A while back, he somehow managed to do the following to my facebook profile picture: I've tried to reciprocate in kind to Stephen's picture, but alas my technical prowess is not up to the challenge of such bufoonery. How do these 20-somethings know so much about computer shenanigans?! By the way, that's hubby in the background.

Anyway, Tom's trip leaves me home with woman's best friend, Louis . Lou is mama's baby, but after 6 days with just the two of us (translate: I do all the dog walking and maintenance, which gets old fast when said canine decides to bark at me in the middle of the night once he realizes I'm the only show in town)I'll be eager for Lou's daddy to return from the midwest. BTW, Lou has a blue eye (left) and a brown eye, which is why his eyes look weird. Actually they are weird, but that's why.

So I realized I haven't felt like blogging today, which is very unusual as I am generally tethered to my computer these days; and seem to go through the motions of my days planning posts and writing in my head. I've always done that to some degree, including coming up with titles for my mindwriting. But the blogging has really added an amazingly rich dimension to my life that energizes me and lights me up on the inside. I've always loved to write, as I've talked about before, and blogging has become the best creative outlet for me I've had since I was in school. Writing my next post or thinking about all of you and wondering how things are going in your worlds are never far from the forefront of my mind. So it's strange that I'm "not in the mood" today, the first day of being home alone. Given my history of withdrawing in advance to behaving badly (bingeing?), I thought I'd just go ahead and write about how I don't want to write.

I am feeling the hunger that isn't entirely representative of an empty stomach, though I am a little hungry. I've had some dried cranberries and walnuts, plus a pear for a snack; as dinnertime is upon me the options are swarming. Leftover healthy stuff (pork tenderloin, sweet potato, roasted root veggies)?, a bowl of oatmeal and eggwhite omelet?, peanut butter on hearty whole grain bread? I feel the ice under me thinning, and perhaps that's why I didn't want to write. In AA, I tell newcomers to pick up the phone and call someone BEFORE they drink, even if they know for a fact they will drink after the call. That way, they put a little more time between the compulsion and the kneejerk response of drinking when the urge hits. Maybe that's what I'm doing here...telling on myself before the fall rather than having a slobbering confession after the fact. By the way, very few alcoholics in the earliest days of exploring AA will actually pick up that phone and make a call before drinking, probably because they're afraid it will work! This is different, because there is no voice on the other end to remind me of what it is I really want from life, beginning with the rest of this day. No one to tell me to think it through before I "pick up". But I know there is a wide community of support and friendship out there, even if I can't have the instant response of a phone call.

You all have supported me and each other so beautifully. I've come to cherish and depend on your very existence as one of my anchors - pretty remarkable to realize about a group of people I haven't met. But though we haven't met, we do know each other, care about and support each other, and wish for the best for each other. If that's not true community, I don't know what is. Just thinking about my blog life is making me feel better and lighter. And even filled up. I still need to have dinner in a bit, but I think I'm going to be okay tonight. I'll go to an AA meeting to see some buddies, get out of my head, and hopefully log another sane day. But I'm still not that much in the mood to write.


  1. Sorry your alone. Glad you decided to post. I am behind on reading again but love to read your post. And I love your facebook picture. Now we know what you will be for halloween.Your dogs eyes are cool. Kind of spooky . Halloween again.Booo.
    I am hungry too. Lets both stick it out and have a good breakfast in the morning. Good luck.I'm drinking a glass of water for the both of us to fill us up.

  2. I'm glad you decided to post as well, and I hope you don't binge. Just eat what you need to to nourish your body and fulfill your hunger, and then stop, knowing that you will be so much happier with ourself later.

  3. posting keeps me anchored in the reality of what I am trying to do. I usually don't feel like blogging when I want to eat more than I should. That's when I go blog and check out success stories, it keeps my mind in the game. Keep up the good work.

  4. very interesting thought - they don't pick up the phone because it might work. Not argue-ing I am sure you are right. But so interesting.

    I think I have mentioned before that my therapist felt very strongly about regular writing. I suppose because it makes me listen to myself. In the beginning I always wrote intellectually. Everything was "I thought" rather than "I felt" and now I think I am about even. And often now it is about "I saw" and then how I felt about it.

    We had a dog that had one spot in the living room (old house) where he could see all three doors and when my husband was gone - dog lived in that spot - watching the doors faithfully.

    Cranberries don't set you off? They almost always have added sugar (I don't think anyone could eat a cranberry without loaded sugar). And you are very lucky to be able to eat toast and peanutbutter. Both of those things are usually high on the set off list. I would love to be able to eat them without fallout problems later. Funny how we all are different.

  5. To Vickie,

    Actually the cranberries are not something I ever eat unless I'm on the slippery slope to overdoing it. I did end up eating more of them last night and have since thrown out the remaining portion. You're right about that. Same with peanut butter, and actually with hearty grainy bread. I didn't have those things, but I was thinking about them which was what prompted me to write. More in my post today.

  6. Leslie,
    Thanks for writing and sharing anyway. It's great to have you as a bloggy friend! :D