Another round of processing

I'm embarrassed to report I engaged in a binge last night. Friends had invited us to a special program of the Philadelphia Orchestra that started at 7 p.m. They wanted to pick us up at 5:45 to allow ample time for traffic and other assorted dramas that could prevent us from taking out seats in time for the start of the performance. What the early pick-up time meant was eating dinner way earlier than we ever do, so we had leftovers from the cooking frenzy of last Sunday at about 5:15. I wasn't that hungry then as I'd just finished working out and also had had a late lunch. I ate a smaller amount than my usual dinner, was entirely satisfied and thought to myself, "Since we won't be getting home until 10-ish, this will be a great diet day!"

I wasn't looking all that forward to this event, mainly because it was a week night and I had a zillion things to do at home, like laundry, lunch packing, and perfecting my evening couch potato routine. All day long I was aware that I was going to have an abbreviated version of my precious down time between work days and wished that this concert was on a Friday or Sat. night. I'm not an ingrate...these are great friends who got these tickets for free and were kind enough to invite us. That was great - I was just feeling a bit bratty and resentful about losing my Tuesday evening. But we ended up having a great time; the performance was good, and predictably we got home around 10. In the car on the way home, my friend and I were talking about how hungry we were (by now I could have eaten the harp featured in the performance)and discussing what little thing we might have when we got to our respective houses.

I think even then, on the drive home, I had a sense that I was going to overindulge in something - anything. I had a small container of yogurt, which was the equivalent of a thimble full of water tossed into the grand canyon to "fill her up". Then the foraging began...wheat thins, bread with butter and honey...and a few other things it's unnecessary to inventory. Then to bed. Damn. And this morning I weighed and found not too much damage done; but that, obviously, is not the point.

Today I've had a very clean food day as well as a good workout. I fixed a wonderful dinner of salmon, roasted brussel sprouts and asparagus. Hubby also had a potato.

After dinner, I immediately brushed, flossed and then went to Kohl's - partly to use a coupon that expires today, and mostly to distract myself from food thoughts. On the way home, I realized that my stomach is EMPTY - the gnawing kind of feeling that signifies real hunger, as opposed to wanting to eat. And I knew I would be fine tonight, feeling the hunger and yet not eating. Last night I didn't feel anywhere near the empty stomach feeling of tonight, yet last night my obsessive mind was spinning and at the back of my mind I was waiting for the evening to be over in order to "comfort myself with food". It wasn't comfortable.

Hunger is relatively easy for me to endure. It feels somehow pure, real - especially when I know I've had a clean day. Compulsive desire to eat is not easy to endure. But I've done it and can do it. There continues to be a resistance in me to stay clean with food for many days in a row. I have broken through the September plateau, but whatever is gnawing at me about continuing onward down the scale is still lurking. And I think I won't have access to whatever is buried in me about this until I sustain enough binge-free days to "unstuff" the feelings or fears so they can come up for me to acknowledge and face. I'm not giving up, and I'm not going to gain this weight back. I'm in this for the long haul.