Thursday, October 1, 2009

Another F*%#@&ing Confession

I ate a lot more than I should have last night. To be honest, it was a low-volume binge, but a binge nonetheless. I woke up this morning and read last evening's post from Lyn at Escape from Obesity (often my first blog'o'the day), and she had an ultra honest outpouring of emotion about her feelings related to weight, fat, food, and so on. This was my comment to her:

""Thanks for your honesty Lyn. I ended up bingeing last night and upon waking this morning thought, "I'm not saying this on my blog." Well, now I am, and it's because I read your post. What good does witholding the truth do me? NONE.""

Just like it used to be with my early attempts to stop drinking many years ago...when I slipped, I tried to keep it to myself. Now there's a life strategy - go underground with my shame and remorse. That way the feelings can swarm and fester within, and make me feel awful, contributing to the self loathing I used to experience all too often. It doesn't serve me to be dishonest. As I started getting better once I did stop drinking, it got harder and harder to be dishonest with myself or with others. It makes me feel bad inside when I'm hanging on to a secret, and it separates me from people. I'm a person who loves connection with others, and feelings of isolation and apart-ness hurt, especially the ones I create in my own head. I learned in AA it doesn't have to be that way.

I started blogging for the purpose of "putting it all out there" and have pretty much done that. Now I'm loving you all, feeling a part of the community and cherish your blogs, comments and opinions; I don't want you to think less of me. And no, I didn't just finish 6th grade, even though I sound like a middle schooler worrying about not being liked and accepted. But that's the truth...I worry that eventually I'll do something to ensure my rejection by the world at large, or worse, people I care about. I used to call it the "one wrong move" syndrome. That no matter how great a relationship I had with someone (anyone), there would eventually be something that would cause me to be rejected or excluded. Ugh - talk about raw! This is making my stomach lurch to talk about. I haven't felt this way for a long time, but it dredges up pretty easily when I let my guard down.

Apparently my immediate instinct to not admit my binge is the bigger issue here than the event itself. I used to live on the emotional down-low... not letting people know who I was. Probably because I didn't know either. But I do know now. I'm extremely grateful for all my life experiences and struggles because they've all contributed to the person I am today. And I know and love me today, even when I fu#k up and don't do everything perfectly. I'm a decent person who is trying to be better and healthier. I've made progress and plan to continue. And I'm not living a lie today by omitting big parts of who I am and what I've done.

One more thing...I didn't weigh myself today. That's 4 days in a row. So that's a step in the right direction!

I'm going to write more later, because wonderful Tammy of From Fat To Fab, gave me an Over The Top award today. I'll retrieve it after work. But I needed to get that weight off my chest (and hips, thighs stomach...)!


  1. Dear Leslie, well done for not getting on the scale. You know that I (and all your friends in blogland) will never think any less of you for eating too much just as you would never think any less anyone else for doing that. In fact I think you are pretty amazing to carry on battling this thing as you do and in such an open and honest way.

    I completely relate to the one wrong move syndrome - what a good name for it. I've lived my whole life expecting to be rejected.

    I've had a good food day myself but during the late afternoon I was hungry and considered going to the convenience shop and buying food I shouldn't be eating but I didn't do it because I didn't want to have to write on my blog that I had binged yet again. It would just make me feel so miserable to have to do that. So accountability does work.

    Hope you are having a good day today.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  2. Sweet Leslie...thank you so much for putting this out there. Thank God for AA and weight loss blogging! I'm sure you learned TONS in AA that has helped you in all other aspects of your life, and this one is no different. That's what's so great about this blogging thing, too....the accountability. When you talk about it out loud, it makes it harder to make the wrong choice the next time, because you know you're going to tell everyone!! What you did shows courage, and determination to get it right. I will always offer you my support, listerning ear, shoulder to cry on, and open arms throughout your journey....and beyond!! You've got a friend in me. :)

  3. Leslie - Stay strong! Blogging is great for truth telling! I agree with you that if you don't put it out there it eats you up, because then you now have the emotional part of feeling like a hypocrite by saying one thing and feeling a total way. Those emotions are so destructive! A small binge is better than a big binge, not as good as no binge at all, but still more control than it could have been! Keep going, and keep truth telling!

  4. I know how you feel! I went a week without blogging because of my shame over my huge gain. But in the end, it's better to just face it and get on with it. Hugs!

  5. we all screw up - perfection isn't the absence of flaws it's merely the continual movement toward our goals. As long as you move forward MORE than you go back, you win


    I don't know if you read Diane's maintenance blog or not. But I just happened to ask her take on the secret thing. And since you mentioned it - I thought you might like to read it.

    If you don't read other people's blog comments - I mentioned to her that I just read that when you make something a secret - the power all goes to the secret and when you don't make something a secret and you own it - you empower yourself.

  7. Leslie I missed this post I am so sorry . No one is perfect and this world would be so boring if they were. Always let it all out don't hold anything in. That is worst on you than cheating on your diet . We will never not like you. You are one of our favorite bloggers and friends.

  8. Hey Leslie, thanks for stopping by my blog. I decided to check yours out and I like it.

    Thanks for being so open with all of your readers. I can totally relate in it being hard to put yourself out there, to show people the real you and actually be honest with how you're feeling. I myself tend to keep myself guarded a little too much, I think. It's so nice to see that you've mostly gotten over that and you no longer hide yourself from the world. :)