Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Feelin' almost groovy

Things most always look brighter in the morning. Of course I wrote my brain dump yesterday morning, but THIS morning things seem better. I'm better and so grateful that blogging (both mine and all yours'!) found its way to my life. I think I've become a person who really can't sit with a lot of crap in my head and not find an outlet for it. AA has greatly facilitated that, but so has getting older, getting wiser (at least in my own mind!) and now blogging. There is immense relief in letting our secrets out. I think I posted something about that a while back, and probably noted yet another AA nugget of truth - we're only as sick as our secrets. I'm sorry I keep tossing out this AA crap ad nauseum, but it's damn good crap and has enabled my life to do a complete 180 over the years! Anyway, if there is actually a coined phrase about secrets keeping us sick, then there must be something to the notion of spilling them to someone, anyone, as a means of clearing out the negative brain flotsam and jetsam that swarm within and keep me effectively out of being fully present in each moment. I felt better almost immediately after clicking "publish". Sometimes I worry I say too much or don't express myself accurately, but yesterday once I sent it out into the ether, I literally felt lighter. And no, I didn't run to the scale to check =D !

Amazon Runner commented yesterday that obesity is a disease of isolation. That is so true. Most of us who've engaged in the kind of overeating that necessitates substantial weight loss haven't consumed most of those calories with other people. My binges have caused me to choose to stay downstairs after hubby goes to bed so he doesn't "interfere" (translate - witness) with my consumption. Countless times I've said no to doing things with others because I was in binge mode. Or, I left friends early to "head home", knowing full well I was stopping at the local convenience store or fast food joint to stock up "for the duration". Or to run out to the store at 9:30 at night "because I forgot to get something..." What a crock of shit. People person that I am, when the compulsion to binge hits, I find many and varied reasons to be alone. And believe me, I know there's nothing wrong with being alone - but there is when it's for the sole purpose (soul purpose?) of consuming mass quantities of high fat high sugar food that send me into food oblivion.

Something interesting and surprising happened a little while ago while I was passing meds at work. I had a thought, "Oooh, I have a great assortment of snacks for before I have lunch." This is the assortment I brought today: This is a pretty healthy selection, yes? (and note its clever placement in front of my monitor with my own blog onscreen, smile smile - I'm having an attack of egocentrism, which is better than self contempt for sure!) And I honestly felt a ripple of excitement about ripping open the veggie bag and munching a bit before lunch in another hour. As I write this, the bag is gone now, somewhere in my alimentary canal, and I'm feeling ready for the next big event which is lunch. A few more meds to give out, and then sanctioned sane nourishing eating, including one of those pieces of fruit for dessert. Does it get better than that?


  1. I'm all for the occasional shameless plug :) and way to go on the healthy snacks - the best your selection the easier the choices!!!

  2. um... yeah I mean the 'better' your selection... oi - I need a nap :)

  3. Hi (again) Leslie. I don't think the AA stuff is crap at all. It's very useful to hear about for those of us who don't know too much about it.

    And although I had significant worries about posting my toxic brain dump yesterday (and sorry for stealing your phrase!) I do feel some relief for having done so.

    So I think releasing secrets does help.

    Looking forward to reading more,
    Bearfriend xx

  4. I agree that releasing what is holding us back or worrying us is helpful. I've been where you are and it's a process of learning about yourself.

    Take care,

  5. Leslie, when you binged, how much did you eat--if I may ask. I read a lot about binges and I'm not sure I know what that really means. I think I am more of a steady -graze-all-day-long-with-no-shame kind of eater.

    We all have stuff we need to get out of our systems. It makes us feel so much better.

  6. You can tell us your AA crap anytime cause it is good crap. In fact tell us anything you want. That is what we are here for. Great snacks. I need to have more of that stuff in my house. I was bad all week. Mom is eating good and I am eating bad. Keep up the good work.

  7. If you want to binge tonight get online and spill your guts to us. It might take your mind off food. Tell us what you are wanting to do and get it off your chest and maybe out of you head. Hit that publish bottom as much as you need to.

  8. What has to happen to feel totally groovy?

    Keep up the good work!

  9. I send LOTS of odds and ends like this with my KIDS for lunch. It is amazing how much better they eat. I worked on my food first and then my family has just followed along like a row of baby ducks.

    I got cute little containers (we are off plastic bags and off plastic water bottles as my kids move forward with their green thinking - the green-ness has expanded to food and containers at the same time). And I think (for them) the containers really help. When they open their lunch bags - excitement in the visual appeal.

    Glad you are doing better. My therapist REALLY encouraged my writing on a daily basis. And I have always been verbal about that to my husband. It would be easy to feel self conscious about time on the computer (as if it is lazy time) and I am firm in my mind and communicating to him that it is IMPORTANT time.

  10. Leslie, hi...I linked to your blog from somewhere in cyberworld and happy I did.

    I have yo-yoed my whole life, and now that I am dealing with my mother and Alzheimer's I definitely reach for something yummy for comfort. And the thing is, it works. It eases me.

    I am trying SO HARD not to do that, or to at least make the selection healthy but it has been difficult.

    Thanks for your honesty, and I love your AA references. They are informative and helpful.

    Best, Lisa