Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Broken and fallen

I wish I could be posting a happy happy joy joy ditty here today, but it's not in the cards. I'm having a bad week in just about every way - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. All are intertwined - intricately connected. When one leg of a 4 legged chair is broken, the chair gets wobbly if it can even still stand. Subtract another supporting structure and the fall is inevitable and complete. Broken and fallen is how I feel right now, and I'm stifling tears as I type because I'm sitting in my office at work with the door closed; but at any moment some unthinking co-worker could come thundering in and see me sitting here in my swarm of self pity.

I didn't post yesterday because I was still feeling out of sorts, depressed, crabby and whiny. Actually better than the day before. I read others' blogs all day and commented and tried to sound like my usual perky self - but it felt hollow and pitiful. I had coffee after work with a friend, talked to a few folks on the phone; still I realized that at some deep level I was feeling lonely. And the aforementioned depressed, which I really don't experience too often. Anxiety - yes; depression - no.

Before I continue, thank you so much to all of you who were so kind in your comments to my Monday drone-ologue that was a litany of poor me this and por moi that. You guys all really let me know it's okay to spill it all out in this venue, and that you wouldn't go screaming from your computers in revolt. I really love you fellow bloggers - this community is such an important piece of my life now.

Where does broken and fallen come in? Those sound pretty dramatic, but it's how I'm feeling. My food has been horrible this week. I finally got on the scale this morning to survey the damage and it's profound. I'm not going to post it because I'm way too ashamed. I want to blame the slowly diminishing dose of prednisone I'm still on for the eating and depression. I'm sure it's more than a small part of the whole picture at this point. Prednisone increases appetite, water retention and plays havoc with mood - but not all the time. Why it's hitting me so hard this go around is baffling, but I seem to have gotten behind the confounding effects of the drug and am helping them along. I am exponentially increasing every bad side effect by giving in to the worst cravings, food thoughts and self pity I've known in a long time. It feels bigger than me - as though I'm powerless to resist the downward pull.

My right knee is still bad. BAD. I can't walk the dog again, so the gym is obviously out of the picture. It's even swollen, leading me to wonder if I've torn something. So no exercise. My stellar week last week was largely due to the return to the gym and 6 consecutive days of moving. This week absolutely none of that. I can't stand it. And I can't stand myself for being so deflated and defeated with relatively simple problems that will resolve. There are countless millions of folks with substantial physical afflictions who bravely put one foot in front of the other and don't eat the entire contents of their cupboards everyday because life isn't perfect.

So I'm in a shame spiral, the likes of which I haven't found myself in years. I'm glad I got on the scale today, because the shock of the number WILL rein in my eating. In fact, a friend just called and asked me to go to dinner tonight and I declined. No way I can eat out for now. I feel ridiculous to be so negative, but it's this or another day of no posting. And that would be the beginning of isolation and hiding my crap from others - which would increase the shame and perpetuate this whole circling of the drain I feel is threatening.

I guess I can't close without saying that I do want to lose my extra weight, get fit, feel great and confident at the family wedding in March. I know in my head that I can have all that, but my heart isn't feeling it right now. But it does feel good to know I still want what I've been working on since June. I'm just afraid I don't want it enough, and it's scary to say that. Thanks for listening.


  1. Ok so FIRST- when your taking Prednisone there is NO way you can control how hungry you are! Ive seen many family members pig out right in front of me and not even realize what they were doing!! DO not look at that number on the scale and think it is YOUR FAULT!

    From someone who is struggling with exercise because of constant pain I can relate to your frustrations with your knee. I walked yesterday and came back and did some Wii step and I was in tears all night. I want to exercise but when I do I suffer- that makes me really upset and emotional, wanting to turn to the fridge...bad spiral.

    I guess all I can say is that you are NOT alone in your struggles, your battles or your feelings. I hope things turn around for you, I wish you that best!! Stay strong!! :)

  2. All the reasons you post for being out of sorts--pain, coming off prednisone, eating, feeling isolated--are real ones. The drug IS a big deal. Even if you've handled it before fine. . . you know how quirky our bodies are.

    Things will get better. Nothing is permanent. i'm glad you have a door to close and people to vent to. That hslps the time through the pits seem a tad faster. . .

    You will rise again, Leslie, I'm sure of it!

    (I'm having a crappy day too. . . think I'll create my own vent list).

    Thinking of you.

  3. I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I have felt it a hundred times, just like you have. It is SO hard to get motivated to take action some days. But as you know, one good day can lead into another and another and eventually you'll start feeling better and WANT to do it. Fake it til you make it, as lame as that sounds. And in the meanwhile... hugs. Feel better.

  4. Sweetheart...that number on the scale is just a moment in time. You are only REQUIRED to do your best. You have faced the number, now move on.

    I am so scared now to get that darn surgery. I was really thinking about doing it before the end of the year last year. Now I am glad I didn't. I don't know how I would react to the restrictions.

    Purge here. That's what it's for. I know what you mean about being upset about trivial things. Then I go off and beat myself up for that. STUPID. If it's important to you, it's important.

    fell better my Friend! you can do this.

  5. I hear you and know the prednisone stuff can do crazy things to you. A sinus infection is no fun either.

    Have I told you I have torn the cartilage in my right knee 5 times? and that my left knee slips backwards on occasion. I FEAR surgery so I try to work around my knees thus the swimming and pool time where I jog in the pool etc... I do not want you to push you knee like this again, but rather get in the water every other day. That is the mom in me writing.

    The co-blogger in me wants to do the football touchdown end zone dance all over my living room with my teens aghast in horror at my antics when I finally read that you went and got into that water.

  6. Sorry you're having a rough time. I think lots of us know how that feels. I do think the Prednisone has something to do with your eating and gain. My hubby was on it a couple of weeks ago and he was eating me out of house and home! He said he's staying off the scale until he feels 'normal' again. I don't have any good advice but please know that I do know how you feel and hope you're on the upswing soon.

  7. Oh honey. After you've been so sweet to me. I hope that the Prednisone weaning will help. As for the exercise, sometimes it's just time to exercise the mind. Does your library have any meditation tapes? Have you ever learned any relaxation techniques?

    For goodness sake, I wish I could send you to get a massage.

  8. Don't expect you to be superhuman. Those drugs do have serious side-effects, don't discount that or use it as an excuse to beat yourself up. You feel how you feel - irrespective of what other people may be dealing with. Doesn't make your situation any less real.

    I hope you find a way to get some peace about this and to feel better soon.

  9. I don't know how I missed your post the other day. I rely on my blog to announce who's got a fresh post, and it apparently didn't in your case.

    I'm so sorry you are still suffering. If part of it is the Prednisone, at least you are coming down off of it. That should help. Try and just hang in there; things will get better. I promise. Nothing has happened this week that can't be rectified, and/but, most importantly, learned from. The good, the bad, the's all part of the learning process.

    Major hugs.

  10. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have times when we feel the same way you are feeling right now. It's ok to take a week off from trying to do all the right things with eating and exersizing. And every post doesn't have to be happy happy joy joy ;)
    Maybe your body is just trying to tell you to sit down for a minute and breath. Next week is a new week. And we will all be there to push you back up and get back into the swing of things!

  11. Poor love... :o( Prednisone is a shitty drug. About May of 2008 I developed a really HORRID cough that quickly escalated into the worst asthma I'd ever suffered from. I was given prednisone (and antibiotics) and I can honestly say I have never felt so bad - or hungry - on a drug before. To make matters worse, I fell pregnant while on it and was terrified it would affect the baby. Even now, I wonder if the reason Tabitha is so big in relation to other babies her age is because of it...

    Please vent whenever you need to. There is NO shame in falling down as long as you know you'll try to get back up again.

  12. Hi Leslie. I think everyone else has already said it all.

    So rather than repeat it, I'd like to ask if you're putting too much pressure on yourself over the family do in March? I just don't want you to feel down over not being 20 or 30lbs lighter by then because unachievable goals are dangerous. With this drug you've been on and the knee problems, if you weigh 190lbs by then, that will be great. If it's 194 then that will be fine too. I think you have to be very realistic and set only achievable goals.

    I don't want you to feel depressed to have to lower your sights a little. I just want you to feel great when you go there about what you have achieved.

    Email me if you want.

    Bearfriend xx

  13. I can't add anything to what everyone has said in the above posts. Venting is good for the soul. Get it all out and then tomorrow things may seem brighter.

  14. Leslie - sorry to hear you are suffering but just posting here should help. As you know our knees take such a beating - but some ice and rest will help. If you feel up to it maybe just some handweights until its better.

    Hang in there like I was told the other day and did a post about it - we are just One Decision away from our turning point. You will get there again - and it doesn't matter how many times we get there as long as we continue the course.

  15. Oh, man, do I ever know how frustration, shame, anger, fear, shame, helplessness, desperation, shame...feels. Especially, the shame. :)

    Lots of great things were said in the above comments, so here's just the bottom line:

    You are loved. You will get past this. You are not hopeless or helpless or doomed. You are good enough and able enough. Yes, you are.

    The fact that you chose to vent your stuff proves that, by the way.

    I'm praying for you. May the effects of the meds wane and may joy arise in your soul!


  16. Leslie, I know it's tough right now. Even if you can't walk or run, you can still exercise. There are plenty of exercises you can do sitting in a good sturdy chair and not hurt your knees at all... leg lifts... bicep curls... seating sit ups... and a host of other exercises. I had to start out with chair exercise (and even chair yoga), not because of injury, but because I was too heavy and unhealthy for conventional exercise. It works.

    I also want to say that the downs as well as the ups of the journey can help your readers. There seems to be a lot of (unrealistic) expectations sometimes that the weight loss journey is one of constant sunshine. It isn't. Bad things happen, and overcoming them is as much a part of the journey as what you eat and how many hours you spend at the gym.

  17. OK...Les...I've given you that nickname, hope you don't mind. Medication can cause all kinds of really crappy things that are REAL. Do NOT feel badly about not having a peppy post, life ain't peppy all the time.

    There is nothing worse than feeling down in the dumps.

    One thing that you need to remember is the number on the scale does NOT define you. You are fun, interesting, and hilarious no matter how much that blasted (cuss word in the south) scale says.

    Hope you feel better soon :)

  18. Please, take into account the drug can do a whammy on you. My husband had to take that, and he is one of the most gentle men I know. While he was on it, he was irritable, to say the least, and gained about 30 pounds. I coudn't keep ANY food in the house. He would even eat things he normally didn't care for, just because he was hungry. The weigh in lets you be aware, but don't beat yourself senseless on one reading. Lord knows how easy it can be.

    So, {Hug}, and hang in there, just work on keeping your sights on the big goal, the short term ones can be a... drag, but you WILL get there.


  19. I'm sorry you're having a bad week. But you made a good decision in not going out to eat. That deserves some props. :)

  20. did you tell the friend NO to just the restaurant/food, but YES to getting together in another kind of way? Because in this society, it seems that get togethers are food based. I suggest making yourself a list of things that you might like to do that do NOT involve food and have it mentally ready when people call. Because you do seem to like socialization. So figure out how to make it work for you.

    I have been computerless. Will go back and read your last couple posts - just read todays and don't know what rehappened to your knee.


  21. Leslie I just want to say I think you are a brave woman to be so honest. You must have felt a bit of afraid of what people would think and you did it anyway-Bravo! I wish I had some of your fearlessness!

    You're going to make it my friend. It's not in you to quit.

  22. I'm so sorry this has befallen you. Isn't that how it feels, like it just descends on you? It's agony while you're in the middle of it, I know, but it for sure will end and you'll enjoy good feelings again. This probably sounds wierd, but when I read posts like yours, it makes me feel more comfortable posting similarly when the need arises. So, see? You've helped someone!

  23. Whatever else you do, don't compound your pain by beating yourself up.
    I have never been on prednisone...never had to deal with a real injury like your knee.
    I don't know hwat it's like.
    The only thing I have any sort of experience with is the negative self talk.
    Don't do it. You are a good person and I think that beating yourself up emotionally can lead to an excess of eating as well.
    Give yourself a break.

  24. Dude...why haven't you emailed me yet???? I'm always here for you. Just like AA...we're sponsoring each other in the battle against the bulge!!

    You totally know that insane eating is COMPLETELY caused by the Prednisone, right? You're not's the drugs. EVERY TIME I have to take that shit, I turn into a human vacuum cleaner. I know what I'm doing, but I can't stop it. I hope you get to come off it soon and you'll be feeling better about everything all the way around.

    Also, I gained 10 lbs in one week. Then kept every pound of it on my ass for another week. The good news is, it only takes a week to turn it all around. So as soon as you're off the meds, you'll be able to tackle it again.

    Take care of that knee though. I know you miss the exercise, but don't eff up the knee. You need it! And it is entirely possible to lose weight w/o exercise. I've been down with a bad cold for a week at a time, done zero exercise, and still lost 3 lbs.

    You'll be back on track soon girl. I know you're down right now and it doesn't seem like it, but things will get back to normal very soon. I'm here for me anytime!

  25. Leslie, I wish I knew what to say to you. The only comfort I can provide is that this will pass. We go through ups and we go through downs. The key to success is to make it through those down times without it taking away our hopes and dreams. Keep your chin up gal, you can do this.

  26. You already have lots of good suggestions, Leslie. Can I just second a few? Order those swim shorts and swim shirt, and get in the pool. It will feel like heaven to you and your knees!

    I hadn't heard you mention the March wedding date before either. I think deadlines like that can backfire too. Your goal should just be to keep on this path for the rest of your life. Whatever you weigh at that wedding, you will be a fitter, healthier version of you than you were before.

  27. I hope the knee feels better soon. I would keep it elevated and on ice and definitely see the doctor if it doesn't get any better.

    Try to stay positive and do the best you can. Take care of yourself.