It's 6 a.m. Sunday morning and I've been reading and commenting on blogs for about an hour. I'm a morning girl through and through - early to bed, early to rise. Instead of going to my usual 7 a.m. meeting today, I'm going to one at 8 a.m. - really chill-axin' this Sunday.
I feel emotional right now. It's mostly good stuff, but a little remorse and regret is in the mix. It's come from reading some amazing posts from wonderful co-journey-ers in our puffy-heart blogging community and my subsequent reflecting on my own journey. It's never good to compare myself to someone else. The useful thing is to compare myself to myself and take stock on how I'm doing. Yet reading others' posts can lead me to inevitable thoughts of "they're doing better than me...". I'm human, so the whole comparing thing is gonna happen. But I know enough to not stop the thinking at that point.
Truth is, many people are doing "better" than me. Some are about where I am, which is languishing on a self constructed plateau of shaky fluctuating maintenance - not really going in the downward (on the scale) direction for now - but wanting desperately to begin moving again. And some are just trying to muster the willingness, oomph and desire to enter into this arena and show up for the challenge. I first wrote fight, but that sounded harsh. For me though, this process often is a fight. The enemy lies within my flesh and is a worthy strong opponent. The addict. Stronger than I am when I'm vulnerable or trying to do it on my own.
The first blog I read this morning was wonderful Tammy. Sometimes I think she reads my mind and then writes my thoughts, because we're so similar in many ways. She was feeling frustrated about having a rough eating weekend. Yup, me too. But she also wrote about her kickass work at the gym, about representing herself boldly with her trainer, requesting a little more variety and intensity. Wow, unbelievable and inspiring.
She also talked about a couple of other bloggers' posts yesterday that she found so motivating and helpful, and in so doing, sent me to the links. One was Jacksh*t - known and loved by zillions and whose humor, hard work and HUGE heart have gotten him in great shape while helping and motivating so many every day. Yesterday's post of Jack's was a rerun, and so good that I need to buy the hard copy and play it everyday. I won't summarize (Tammy did a good job of it), but it boiled down to removing as many obstacles to success as possible. Make failure IMPOSSIBLE. Please click the link and read it - it's short but amazing.
The second link Tammy sent me to was Zaababy's Friday post - which is a blog I haven't read, but will now! She's had consistent success since beginning her journey about 9 months ago. She was reporting some very major NSVs, and her gratitude will jump out of the screen and wrap you in warm fuzzy love and hope. Most notable was Tammy noting how she and Zaababy started at about the same time with blogging, and how Zaa has lost almost double the weight Tammy has. Ahhh, that's what got me thinking.
In my comment to Tammy, I reflected on how when I went below 200 for the first time back in August, many bloggers, most notably in my mind Chris and 266, were in the 220s, I think. Maybe a little higher. Today, 266 is at 163 lbs. Chris is in the 170s somewhere. Many other bloggers have left me in their dust. And I am in the high 190s on a good day. I've been as low as 192. And the author of this reality - MOI. I'm not beating myself up. I wish I had already experienced the downward mobility I so desire in scale land.
All this real information in real time is what has left me with a little regret and remorse.
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It's now 4 p.m.! I got a tad sidetracked from this morning's post. Just as well, because the input that has come my way through various venues over the day (an AA meeting, church, talking to a friend, reading some recent posts) have entirely erased the regret and remorse that people who were "behind" me are now "way ahead" of me. This isn't a race. I'd like to return to a steady weight loss mode and think I'm close to that. But for whatever reason, my path, unique and imperfect, is available to teach me the things I need to know to bring me further along to being the best Leslie I can. The task is still there - doable, achievable, realistic and waiting for me.
Once again I forgot to do my Honest Scrap Award stuff. Tomorrow for sure. It's strange but wonderful to know that I don't have to go to work and have no real obligations other than resting my knees and deciding what to read or watch, and when to nap! My pre-op physical is tomorrow (so stupid, since I just did all this 3 months ago - at least I don't need another EKG because the last was "perfect". Not a bad thing to have perfect. My food is good today so far and I intend to keep it that way. So the emotions of the day have ebbed and flowed as they always do. It's right here in black and white! Went from feeling somber to serene in 10 hours. If that can happen, I have to know that binge thoughts will change too, if I wait them out rather than feeding them!
Leslie- great job on monitoring yourself when dealing with recovery. I know what you mean about people getting 'ahead' of you. But, I take my own time to work things out. Keep truckin' ma'am.
ReplyDeleteALL of us have different paths. You have an injury and a procedure and a recovery that you need to take time out for. Try to think of your food as fuel to help heal yourself. Lower calories will keep weight off the new knees. Core and upper body exercise can help keep your back and eventually subsequently your knees supported. You have a mission, similar to those who seem ahead but with your own unique approach and this lifestyle is about endurance. You are so strong.
ReplyDeleteNever compare yourself to others - you are not them, you do not have their body, their metabolism, their soul. But also, NEVER EVER QUIT.
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to the feeling of being left in the dust when I see other's progress. This journey has taken me sooo long. But I just keep reminding myself, that I am at least going in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteI hope your down time is restful, full of reflections and revelations.
Loretta
=^..^=
Don't you just love the way contemplation plays out as the day goes on? Ideas planted, feelings felt, conclusions drawn. Sometimes the conclusions seem to be light years away from where you started--but where you started really IS how you got to where you are. :)
ReplyDeleteDeb
I felt a bit sad reading the first part of your post... Not upset, just wistful, if that makes sense? Wanted to give you a big hug! Who's to say others are doing 'better' than you? For everyone who has reached - or is close to reaching - their goal, there will be plenty more out there who are stumbling along that path, determined to make it, but sidetracked every now and again. There's no right or wrong way about it. Anyway, glad you had a good morning and came back to update us on your mood and reflections!
ReplyDeleteWhat I really hate is when someone 'falls off the wagon' and can't bear to blog about it... They just stop blogging or delete their blogs... :o(
Hi Leslie. I know what you mean about feeling other people are "ahead" of you, or achieving more on the weight loss front. Everyone's definitely achieving more than me!
ReplyDeleteThe goal is really to do the best you can in life and not to reach a specific weight within a specific timeframe. You're working towards a lower weight all the time even though there is some bouncing around on the scale. Because the main journey is the mental one and that is where you're progressing every day even when your eating isn't as good as you want it to be and even when you're unable to exercise due to your knees.
Glad you were able to feel better as the day went on. Just keep working on the mental stuff and the rest WILL follow in time.
Bearfriend xx
Bearfriend is absolutely right. You've come a super long way in the mental part of the game, and educated all of us along the way with all of those wonderful paragraphs that I LOVE so much!! I think muddling through and working out the brain junk is what will allow us to keep the weight off, once we finally get it off. That's a huge relief to me. Who the hell wants to go through this AGAIN??? :)
ReplyDelete