Tuesday, February 16, 2010

FIX ME NOW - all of me

Today my right knee is so painful that I am having difficulty walking. It's a burning pain that pulses when I walk on it, esp. down stairs or down a ramp. It's worse than my left ever was prior to its arthroscopy. I called my ortho doc and will be seen Thursday morning early. Tomorrow morning I'm going to my primary to get a script for an MRI that I can hopefully have done prior to the Thursday ortho appt. to see as quickly as possible what needs to be done for it. To say this is disheartening is a vast understatement. I know there are far worse things people endure and I'm eternally grateful this is relatively small potatos. But they're my potatos and I'm ready to eliminate potatos from my diet =( .

Good news - the left knee feels great, which is another reason I'm going to get this right knee evaluated and taken care of ASAP so I don't re-screw up the left one. I know the right knee issue is the result of carrying the load, so to speak, while rehabbing lefty. Lefty is finally strong and pain free, and she's staying that way if I have anything to do with it.

I have to apologize for this endless complaining about my aching joints. I find martyrdom very annoying, but as even I am getting tired of myself with all this whining about the knees I think I need to suck it up and tap into some stoicism. At last I have a good result from the left knee procedure which gives me every reason to expect a similar positive result from the right side. Patience is not my strong suit. Shocking, I know.

My food was great yesterday - healthy and sugar free. I have some good meals planned for the week, and the work fridge is stocked with healthy lunch options. This morning I actually started thinking about going back to Weight Watchers, but I'm not going to jump into anything without giving it some thought. I'm prone to "quick fix" mentality. Last week I was pondering a return to a 12 step program, and this week WW has entered my mind.

These ideas tend to pop up when I'm struggling, and I glom onto them with fevered enthusiasm that __"fill in blank"____ will finally cure me. I hop onto the bandwagon impulsively and full of good intention and determination, only to fizzle after a few days, or until I hear of another person's success with something else.

Last summer when I began this process for the last time, I was basically counting calories, eliminating sugar, and exercising most days. I had excellent results, dropping 25 pounds in 3 months, because I worked at it and stuck with it. I stayed on plan more than I didn't. Once I stopped doing what worked, I stopped getting results. Imagine that! So - regarding any program or food plan, I know they work if I work them. I probably don't need to lay out more money in search of a fresh beginning or a way to inject new life into my flagging motivation. I'm going to continue working on that 4th step inventory I talked about last week (okay, I'm going to START working on it...me try to make you think I already doing that...me blowing smoke!) and just try to not overeat or binge today. Then tomorrow I'll do it again. I know I shouldn't say try - I should say I'm doing it. But no guarantees are possible yet. Hopefully someday. Hopefully soon.


  1. I hope you get your knee situation figured out soon. (((hugs)))

  2. You poor thing... :o( I really do hope your knee feels much better soon - there's not a great deal worse than being in pain, and it's even worse if it's preventing you from doing what you want. Don't worry about having a good old moan about it - that's what everyone is here for in blogland - to lend an ear and vent our spleens when we need to!

    Well done on great eating! For years I did crash diets and lost 10lbs only to gain back 15... As I read somewhere (possibly your blog!) "if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got"! There's much truth in that and I've learnt that healthy eating and exercise (not going too crazy with calorie counting - i.e. less than 1200 a day) is the best plan for me. Find what suits you and stick with it!

  3. Gosh, I hope that knee feels better soon... so sorry you're having issues. One day at a time - or hour - minute - is a very good plan :-)

  4. Love this post. Truthful--knees HURT when they hurt and it is extremely annoying!--insightful and hopeful. Love it. You have my best sugar-free wishes for a magnificent week! :D Deb

  5. I so hope your knee is just telling you it wants help from the other knee. Good luck with what ever you do and in all you do. You are still doing better than me as always.

  6. Hi Leslie. Very frustrating over your knee. But if you can find one positive in it all, it has given you that extra kick to get into the pool again. (OK maybe small consolation but just looking to drag SOMETHING positive out of it.)

    I don't think the 12 step is a quick fix. It's something you've been dancing around for quite a while - considering how long ago you got the guide. In fact WW isn't a quick fix.

    What they are about is SUPPORT. Obviously you get plenty of that here too. But it's different from having people in real life who are supervising you, or whom you are accountable to in some way.

    Don't shy away from that support. There's no shame in needing help and friendship from other people. Strange that you are able to accept help for alcoholism and yet not for eating.

    Bearfriend xx

  7. I understand about the whole looking for the next quick fix thing... used to do that all the time, the same as you--when I started struggling.

    It was like I didn't want to press in and get to the root of WHY I was struggling, so I would veer off in another direction, a distraction, a surface answer, a quick fix, that would work for awhile til I once again got down close to the "real" problem.

    And I would struggle, and the cycle would start again. I finally had to stop changing plans... I had one that worked. No sugar, counting calories, and exercise. It worked when I worked it. So I had to work on WHY I would back off from working it. It was all mental. There was nothing wrong with my plan. There was alot wrong inside my head,LOL! So, I am now chugging along with the same plan, and working on my thinking. Sounds similar to you.

    I hope your knee gets fixed fast. Did you post in the past on the procedure with your left knee?? I would be interested in reading that.

  8. Well Leslie my knee pain sista I hear ya!! I am now going to physio and she has taped my knee cap in place so I actually have some relief.

    Just glad the rest is going well I hope to report that soon some day.

  9. I feel that way too lately about my posts. I feel like a whiner. But, when it is important to you, and it is affecting your weightloss/mentality/morale then I think it does deserve a post.

    I'm not even remotely tired of it. Just so ya know. I care about that aspect of you and I appreciate you updating us. Take it easy lady. Have a good sleep tonight, and enjoy the quiet time in the MRI. ;)

  10. ahhhh gosh darn it I saw the knee bone xray and KNEW. Pain is a legitimate reason to feel out of sorts...

    trust the process and good for you getting your knee checked out without waiting around moaning. Sure you tell us about it some, but for those of us with similar issues you set a good example of taking care of business (not being the martyr for months on end)and trying to keep focused.

  11. You have a knee problem and I have a uterus problem. Sometimes I think all I do is whine on my blog (becaus I do!) but it's a part of life, very real, and makes a differnce to what we are doing.

    I hope your appt goes well. I see the doc Thursday, too, so hopefully we'll both figure things out!

  12. We have to take it one day at a time. Im struggling myself just now.
    I hope you are able to get your kneed taken care of so that you feel better!

  13. Just read your last few blogs....love the new bathing suit. I am sorry about your knee...
    your right about not needing a new program....the whole 'count calories and exercise thing' works.
    I know you can do this too. Hope the doctor fixes you leg. Your not being a martyr...your leg hurts.

  14. sooooooooooooo sorry about the knee. Hope they can fix it up for you real quickly.

    :: big ole hugs ::

  15. That whole knee thing would aggravate the sh*t out of me...I'm glad you're getting it taken care of asap. And no, you don't need another "program"...we both know what needs to be done, and that we can do it on our own....just need to keep re-adjusting the blinders. We'll eventually get there, together! :)

  16. I have a hard time with the new WW plan which has people eating more things that are 'free'.

    I think the eating anything just 'count it' and the free foods lists assumes people just need to lose a few pounds vs. people have eating disorders.

    I think most all of US have eating disorders. I think everything should be counted in some form or the other. And NO I don't think most of us can eat 'anything' in moderation, without having major self sabotage.

  17. Ask your doctor to bottom line it for you.

    If you are going to end up with a replacement anyway - then consider it now so that you are not dealing with this constantly.

    You are not whining. You are stating reality.

    GO TO THE POOL. Because that you can do.