Monday, February 1, 2010
Mount Leslie erupts
I'm in a crappy, irritable, mildly depressed and horrible mood. See how focusing on the poor me's allowed them to increase over the course of just 4 words? Crappy to horrible in about 3 seconds. A Nascar record. Or a Nasty Leslie record. I feel like a buzz saw where anyone daring to enter within a 15 foot radius of the Royal Moi better look out. I don't necessarily want to write about this, but I know if I talk about it, get it out...I'll feel better. I went to my usual AA meeting at 7 this morning where I normally could have unloaded some of this venom, but was feeling some intolerance and resentment about some of the goings on at the meeting, so best to keep a lid on Mount Leslie, lest she spew bla-bla-bla-lava all over people she really loves. So my blog buddies get to shoulder the burden a bit. And please know I'll happily shoulder yours anytime.
Why the mood, Leslie? Well - as they say in math, it's multi-factorial:
1. This may be a major contributor - I'm on Prednisone (and an antibiotic) for a sinus infection. I've been on it since Wednesday, and it can play with one's moods. Usually I get an initial burst of high energy and euphoria when I go on a steroid that can foster wee-small-hour-in-the-morning scrubbling of kitchen floors and house-cleaning, as well as a blast of relief from the asthma and nasal inflammation that accompanies my sinus infections. Neither happened this time, in fact, I've actually wondered if they slipped me placebo Preds! Physically I'm better and feel fine; but I sure didn't get any euphoria or high energy. I laid around a lot this weekend, slept, and almost immediately felt the irritability that is so acute today.
2. I got into a sugar eating spiral this weekend. I could blame the steroids, but I wasn't craving sugar or sweets when I innocently (?) decided to have a couple of Peanut Butter Sandwich Girl Scout Cookies that caught me like a hit of crack - rendering me powerless over all things sugar for the rest of the weekend and turned me into a sucrose whore. I know I'm making excuses. No one pried my jaws open and shoved in more cookies or the other stuff that followed. I could have paused at some point and said, "Leslie, just wait for a few minutes and get distracted." I didn't do that - I just followed my radar to the next simple carb source. I haven't done too much sugar eating lately (my indiscretions have been other food groups), so the sugar hit me hard. Looking back, it almost felt violent. And then I continued sugar's assault by pounding more down.
3. After last week's excellent exercising and feeling back on track with the gym, my right knee (the "good" one) started hurting me terribly Friday afternoon, to the point where it's been very painful to walk on. It's surely part compensatory from carrying the "load" while Lefty was limpy, but I'm sure I overdid the exercising and walking as it felt better clearly advanced too fast. How many times have I done this???? I'm not used to not being able to power through and emerge triumphant over simple body aches, but as I've caused my own set-backs here several times, I need to read the writing on the wall. Leslie is 56, not 36 and her hardware isn't as resilient and pliant as it used to be. The good news here is that Lefty is hangin' in there like a real trooper. She's not perfect, but as good as she's been. So back to remedial exercising for a bit. Me. Not. Patient. I'm tempted to commit right here and now to get in the damn pool this week and use the water for exercise and therapy. Can't promise, but it's rising up higher on my agenda.
I'm trying to think why else I'm all pissed off at everybody and everything, and realize that just a-rantin and a-ravin' here has diluted the intensity of my angst. What comes to mind for #4 is that people are driving me crazy with their crap - but they're the same as everyday. Some days I don't notice other people's annoying little habits; other days I can see them only. It's me. I'm the common denominator in my irritability, intolerance and annoyance. I can choose to dwell and marinate in my muck or to move on. Another thing I hear in AA that I love is "You can start your day over at any moment." It's true. I had my usual clean healthy breakfast. Packed a good lunch. Have been drinking tons of water. Will do a very mild walk ONLY IF the knee is up to it after work. And by cutting loose this negative energy that's been entangling me this morning by writing about - I can go on and have a good day. And maybe even a wonderful one. Anything is possible.